The Square Root of Sadness

I've been really bummed lately. Nothing has been going my way. No not even the simplest things.I'm not exaggerating. It's been really hard to keep a positive outlook on anything and the very act of telling myself that tomorrow would be better seems like anathema to me.

I've never been this stressed before. More experienced folks would say it's over nothing worth getting worked up over. Those who speak behind me now doubt my ability to cope with the amounts of stress experienced by one in the medical field. But this is all new to me, all new pathways, new sceneries. Ones that I'm unfamiliar with. And so I apologise.

I'm sorry for being a major pain in the ass. I sincerely am. If you don't believe me ...well I'm sorry bout that too. I know my bipolar fits of rage don't help either. I know what I'm supposed to do - to calm the heck down and remain optimistic. I'm just so tired, so very tired. I just want to close my eyes and never wake up. (No I'm not suicidal so you don't have to report this to my mom. Suicide solves nothing but causes more crap for other people especially those who care about you.) My eyes burn with weariness. I dread waking up every morning. Your morning greetings feel like a stab to my pancreas cause there's nothing actually good bout that morning.

I'm a stiff sorta guy. Uptight in other words. That's the way I was made and I accept it as fate. Some people are worry warts and others free spirits. That's the way it is I guess.

But I thank God for still caring bout me. Glad to know there's people like you around. Thank you for showing me what I must do. Thank you for making me realise that there are others out there who experience pain and loss. Some more than others. People who in all their sadness still have the will to carry on. People who still have faith in you. Who refuse to forget what you did for them and not turn their back on you.

It is said you have a plan for each and every one of us. I'm sorry I'm too blind to see what it is exactly. I hope I can bear with this till I get there. May I someday see what it was all along. I know, I know....I can't possibly fathom your reason.

I see now the pain others have. I will not compare and neither should you. This is my cross and so I shall carry it. :)

My deepest condolences to Terence and his family. God bless you always. I admire your spirit. All the best buddy.